Come February

"I thought of you and how you love this beauty,
And walking up the long beach all alone
I heard the waves breaking in measured thunder
As you and I once heard their monotone.

Around me were the echoing dunes, beyond me
The cold and sparkling silver of the sea-
We two will pass through death and ages lengthen
Before you hear that sound again with me."

----------- "I Thought Of You", Sara Teasdale

"Love it, hate it but you cannot ignore it- the month of love has officially begun." So read the e-mail from an online shopping site, offering discounts on various products on the occasion of Valentines Day. These e-mails and my news feed in FB never forget to remind me that it's February, the month of love. Remember, how you used to whisper "I love you" to me on every Valentines Day? And I used to answer, "I love you 2, 3, 4..." It was almost like a ritual- these confessions of love on every Valentines Day. And now that you no longer exist in my life, I have only your memories to accompany me on every 14th February, or for that matter, on every other 364 days of the year.

You know what, recently a friend of mine saw our wedding pictures and commented, "Your ex-husband was so handsome." Was it your handsome face that I fell in love with? Or was it your constant care for me, like a father cares for his daughter? Or was it the way you loved me that made me fell for you? Probably none of these accounts for my love for you. Because I never needed a reason to love you. Just like a flower never need a reason to bloom. Or just like a butterfly never need a reason to spread it's colourful wings. For I always believed in the craziness that love brings. If love is rational, within the realm of reason- it's anything but love.

On this week of love, when the world celebrates love, I look for my world in every nook and crannies. For I have lost my world. Forever. I never had any world other than you.

A heaviness settles inside me. It refuses to budge, no matter how hard I try. So now I am jotting down all my incoherent rumblings borne out of that heaviness. May be as the words tumble out, the weight may lift, making my heart as light as a feather. What are you doing now? Do you miss me? Or have you forgotten me altogether? We could not remain together in this lifetime. But may be another life of togetherness awaits us. We'll surely be together- on the other side of death. Do remember me, till death do us together.

I am not sending kisses, because wives don't kiss their husbands in public view.

Your ex-wife.

This post titled "Come February, I Can't Help But Think Of The Love I Lost" has been published on Women's Web as a Featured Post. Featured Posts are a careful selection of highly relevant and interesting posts picked up by the editors of Women's Web each day. To read the full story, Click here.

Book Review: Chokher Bali

চোখের বালি by Rabindranath Tagore
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Rabindranath Tagore is one of the most cherished renaissance figures of India. He put India in the literary map of the world by winning the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1913. Recently I read one of his prominent novels- "Chokher Bali" ("Sand in the eye"). There have been many movie adaptations of this novel, including the famous movie of the same name directed by Rituparno Ghosh. Tagore's writings are well-known for his deep understanding of the nuances of female psychology. And this novel is no exception. It portrays some strong female protagonists, who are sure to etch indelible marks in your memory once you finish the novel.

The Plot

The plot revolves around four protagonists- Mahendra, Ashalata, Binodini and Bihari.

Mahendra is the only scion of a rich family based in Calcutta. Bihari is his childhood friend, who frequents his house. Mahendra's mother wanted him to marry Binodini, her friend's daughter. But Mahendra refused. Then his mother requested Bihari to marry Binodini and save the poor girl which Bihari refused. Eventually Binodini got married to a man who died soon after marriage. Meanwhile, Mahendra married Ashalata, a poor orphan girl. Mahendra was besotted with his wife, when Binodini came to live in their house. With time, an extra-marital relationship develops between Mahendra and Binodini, which threatens to destroy his marriage with Ashalata. But soon Binodini discovers that Mahendra is a self-obsessed person, unable to provide a safe shelter to her. So she inclines towards Bihari, who lives life by principles. Throughout the novel, there is an implicit implication of Bihari's affection towards Ashalata, though he never crosses the boundaries of relationship. At the end, Bihari falls in love with Binodini when he came to know of her feelings towards him. He proposed to marry her, which Binodini refused saying that she doesn't want to 'dishonour' him further. During that period (the novel was written in 1902), widow remarriage was not well accepted in society. That may partially explain the reason behind Binodini's refusal. At the end, Binodini leaves for Varanasi- a fate that awaited most of the widows in those days.

Characters

The novel portrays the contemporary Bengali society and the treatment meted out to widows during that period. I loved the characters of both the female protagonists- Ashalata and Binodini. The character of Binodini is well-crafted. She is the kind of woman who was far ahead of her times and she had to pay heavily for it. She was educated- a trait quite uncommon among women of that era. Her father arranged for a 'missionary mem' (a missionary woman from Europe/England) to educate her. Even after she crossed the 'marriageable age', her father never bothered about her marriage. After her father's death, her mother began searching for a suitable groom. She got married and after a short period of marital bliss, she became widow. Though the society prescribed an austere life for widows, but Binodini was a rebel and refused to succumb to societal pressure. She was young, beautiful and intelligent. "...Sikha ek vabe ghorer pradip rupe jwole, ar-ek vabe ghore agun dhoraiya dey" (The same flame which lights the room, can destroy the whole house), observed Tagore. She craved for love and companionship like all, inspite of being a widow. She mistook her feelings for Mahendra as love and came close to ruin his marriage. Later when she realised that Mahendra is too blind to understand her, she left him and boldly sought shelter to Bihari. But the end of novel fails to do full justice to her character. When a woman as strong as Binodini chose to stay at Varanasi for the rest of her life, like all others, readers like me are disappointed no doubt. In Rituparno Ghosh's film, Binodini joined India's ongoing struggle for independence at the end. I think that befits a character like her. Though Ghosh's movie doesn't strictly adhere to the novel.

The character of Ashalata seems dull in comparison to Binodini in the beginning. But when her husband left her for another woman, she took charge of her ailing mother-in-law and the entire household on her own.

The character of Mahendra seems narcissistic. He lacks any definite purpose. Being self-obsessed, he went on from Ashalata to Binodini who rejects him. Then again he came back to his wife who re-accepts him.

Overall Rating

No need to mention that reading this novel was a sheer pleasure. If you haven't read this novel yet, do read. For readers whose native language is not Bengali, you can go through the translated version of the book. Each of Tagore's work is a masterpiece on their own.


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