A Distant Love

You have become a midnight's dream now,
Distant and surreal-
As it seems in daybreak.

You have become the intricate patterns of mehendi on my open palms,
Faded after multiple wash-
Only a hint of stain still remaining.

You have become the dried petals of rose inside my notebook,
Crisp and fragile-
Only a faint fragrance still emanating.

Even then, to this day, I feel myself lucky.
How else could I have known love,
But for your presence in my life?

Love is that ambrosia,
Which can turn every poison into nectar.
And only you have let me to know of this.


© 2018. Swagata Tarafdar. All rights reserved.

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Mother-in-law: The Other Woman in your Marriage

Recently someone requested me to share my experience regarding 'Emotional Conflict of a man stuck between his mother and wife'. I agreed almost instantly as I found the topic very relatable. I have experienced this during my brief marital life. Here goes my story. 

My ex-husband is the elder one among the two brothers. He has an elder sister too. My mother-in-law got married at an early age, when she was still in school. When even after five years of marriage, she couldn't conceive, she got very anxious. I heard that at that point of time, her mother-in-law threatened to get her son re-married. She made my mother-in-law furious and she retorted by telling her mother-in-law, who was a widow, to re-marry herself, if she was so keen about re-marriage. The old widowed lady got the shock of her life. Then after consulting various doctors in Kolkata, my mother-in-law conceived after five years of marriage and gave birth to a girl-child. My sister-in-law cannot be called 'beautiful' by the standards of beauty set by the Indian society. She is dark-complexioned, plump and short in height.

Three years after her birth, my now-ex-husband was born. Contrary to his sister, his features are handsome. This, coupled with the fact that he was a boy, made both his mother and grand-mother very happy. My mother-in-law somehow regained her lost prestige in her matrimonial home. By this time, both his parents shifted to Kolkata where my father-in-law worked as a school-teacher. Because of his fair complexion, his mother nick-named him 'Gora-chandan', which was later abbreviated as 'Chandan'. When Chandan was a child, he often insisted to sleep with his mother. So when his brother was born seven years after his birth, his mother ensured that this son didn't develop too much of attachment with her. After the initial years, his brother slept with his father and he, with his mother.

Ours was a typical arranged marriage. I knew very little about him or his family before marriage. On the day of our reception, my mother-in-law was telling every second guest how much his son loved her and how he would never think about living separately with his wife. After my marriage, she told me repeatedly about her son's devotion towards her. Few months after our marriage, I felt the need to live separately with my husband due to various reasons. To this, she replied that his son had his mother and siblings with whom he couldn't part. Meanwhile, I got pregnant and came to live with my mother. My mother-in-law never liked the daughter-in-law of her household living at her father's place for reasons beyond my comprehension. She called me telling that his son was feeling very lonely in his wife's absence. If this continued any further, she would have no other option other than getting her son re-married. I was sick and tired and simply told her to do as she pleased.

During my pregnancy, my husband used to come to my parents home on weekends to visit me. After a few weeks, I suppose on his mother's instruction, his visits became infrequent. When my son was born, she visited us in the hospital and told me to return at the earliest possible, which I bluntly refused. Consequently, she created a ruckus in the hospital saying that this child is not her own grand-son and she'll never allow him to enter her without without a DNA test. My relationship with my husband hit a rock-bottom.

Even after our divorce, my husband refused to return my wedding ornaments gifted by my parents. And guess who is the mastermind behind this sordid act. Its none other than my mother-in-law.

Once upon a time, Chandan used to be a very loving, caring and honest person. That person no-longer exists. What exists now is a shadow of that person. A psychiatric patient suffering from depression. I heard that he doesn't return from his office every night. When he is at home, his room is always closed. He doesn't talk to his family members or to his mother any more, other than asking for food when he is hungry. Yes, he still lives with his mother. And I came to know of all of these from his mother only.

Late one Saturday night, when I was composing the e-mail on this topic, some fleeting thoughts occurred to me. What can be the biggest obstacle in the path of a woman's marital bliss? Is it putting up with the frequent mood-swings of a partner, or catering to his needs? Or does the root of the problem lie deeper? A deeper introspection revealed that the root-cause of all the suffering of a woman is the other woman in her man's life: the much-dreaded mother-in-law. She is the mastermind behind the unfolding of the real story. It appears that women themselves are responsible for their miseries. They forget their own struggles, they forget that 'saas bhi kabhi bahu thi'. If we, the womenfolk, change ourselves, we can surely make the world a better living place for our fellow women.

P.S. No offence meant to anyone. It's just a personal opinion.

Header image is a still from the movie 2 States

This post titled My Mother-in-law Was The Other Woman In My Marriage has been published on Women’s Web as a Featured Post. Featured Posts are a careful selection of highly relevant and interesting posts picked by the editors of Women's Web each day. Here is the link to it: Click here.


© 2018. Swagata Tarafdar. All rights reserved.

To My Unborn Daughter

Barbie dolls and frocks of bright hue,
Reminds me of my yearning for you. 

Swinging merrily in the mellow afternoon sunlight, your face gleams,

Now-a-days, you come so often in my dreams.

Pink ribbons and disney hair-clips-

And the cutest pout on your lips.

Impish grin and mischievous eyes-

You'll believe in living life queen size.

I softly plant a kiss on your forehead,

And croon a lullaby as I put you to bed.

Grow up princess, I whisper into your ears-

You'll surely be matchless among your peers.

Image via Unsplash

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The Broken Promises

Promises, broken and unfulfilled, lie scattered here and there-

I walk upon them with my feet bare.

They make me writhe in pain,

And I look upon them in utter disdain.

I resolve to throw them off the window

But the stubborn shards refuse to go.

They stick to my hand like glue,

And tears well up in my eyes in rue.

I end up with blood trickling down my palm,

But at least the feeling of despair does never come.

They go making my heart free from a stinging sensation,

But leave behind them a vacuum beyond perception.

© 2018. Swagata Tarafdar. All rights reserved.

This post has been published at Women's Web. Click here to read.

Battling Depression: My Ways of Healing

"We must love someone
If we are to justify
Our presence on this earth.
We must keep loving all our days,
Someone, anyone, anywhere
Outside our selves;
For even the sarus crane
Will grieve over its lost companion,
And the seal its mate.
Somewhere in life
There must be someone
To take your hand
And share the torrid day.
Without the touch of love
There is no life, and we must fade away."

This poem by Ruskin Bond aptly summarizes the importance of love and how we all grieve when we lost our loved companions. Yes, no matter how badly we want to cling to the loves of our lives, some relationships are simply not meant to be. Heart-breaks are inevitable in life. I also went through a similar situation during my separation with my ex-husband at the tender age of 29, which culminated into a mutual divorce. I was just 32 years at that time, a single mother of a 4-year-old baby boy. I spiraled into a depression at that time, with my confidence and self-worth plummeting to an all-time-low. But I never visited a therapist, as I always believed in the infinite resilience of human mind and the healing power of time. Today, one-and-half years after my divorce and four years after my separation, I am writing this article to share with all my battle with depression, in the hope that this may help someone out there, who is going through a rough patch in life, for one reason or the other.

Depression after Divorce

Depression is nearly twice as likely to affect women than men. In case of women, depression stems from different factors including reproductive hormones, stress and social pressures. Generally, women tend to be more emotional than men, thus being more prone to depression. During bouts of depression, women are more likely to rehash negative thoughts. Ruminating about depression causes it to last longer and can even make it worse.

The depression that occurs due to traumatic life events such as divorce is different from clinical depression. It's called adjustment disorder or situational depression. Both clinical and situational depression manifest in similar ways.

Most people going through divorce experience some degree of situational depression as part of the normal grieving process over all the losses the end of the marriage brings. If anybody claims not to experience any kind of depression post-divorce, I'd call it a blatant lie. Every failed relationship gives us pain. This is more true in case of marriages as marriage in our religion is considered sacred and the nuptial ties are expected to last for seven lifetimes (bandhan for sat-janam). In general, women are more likely to experience situational depression after divorce than men.

Symptoms of Depression

"Na din hota hai ab na raat hoti hai
Sabhi kuch ruk gaya hai
Woh kya mausam ka jhonka tha
Jo is deewar par latki hui
Tasveer tirchhi kar gaya hai..."

There was a general feeling of indifference towards the world. It seemed to me that my life has come to a stand-still, where nothing mattered to me anymore. I lost all interest in activities that used to me so much pleasure, like reading books or watching movies. I felt as if someone has wrenched all goodness that I held once, out of me. I was drained, exhausted. Someone else might feel differently, but we can summarize some most common symptoms of depression as under:

1. Feelings of emptiness and sadness,
2. Irritability, guilt,
3. Feelings of exhaustion and tiredness,
4. Feeling out of control,
5. Sleep disturbances,
6. Inability to concentrate,
7. Frequent mood swings,
8. Ignoring responsibilities.

What Needs To Be Done

Work

The biggest factor that contributed to my healing was my professional life. Apart from keeping me engaged, my job gave me opportunities to interact with a lot of people on a daily basis. This somehow eased my feelings of despair.

My son

Another biggest motivation was my son. Being a mother is always a demanding job and it occupies almost all of your time. And so I had to feed him, teach him alphabets, play with him, make him sleep, attend parent-teacher-meetings in his school, no matter how depressed I felt. This engagement somehow managed to keep my own feelings of despair at bay.

Spirituality

Another biggest factor contributing to my well-being was the discovery of my spiritual side. I was never a religious person. Never did I fast or offer puja on a daily basis. But after my separation, I turned to spirituality which gave me solace during my difficult times. I read The Bhagavad Gita often and it has helped me to view the world from a different perspective altogether. Whenever I am distressed, I remember the following quote from The Bhagavad Gita, which has become my philosophy in life:

"He who is not perturbed by adversity, who does not long for happiness, who is free from attachment, fear, and wrath, is called a muni of steady wisdom."

Whenever any recurring thought comes to destroy my peace of mind, I simply remember the following:

"The man whose mind is not under his control has no self-knowledge and no contemplation either. Without contemplation he can have no peace; and without peace, how can he have happiness?"

Yes, The Lord has told us to prioritise peace of mind over and above everything else.

Whenever I feel that simply going through the day has become difficult and tiring, I remember the following verse:

"Do your allotted action; for action is superior to inaction. And even the bare maintenance of your body will not be possible if you remain inactive."

One book that I read in the aftermath of my divorce and which changed my perspective drastically is "The Art of Happiness: A Handbook For Living" by HH Dalai Lama & Howard C. Cutler. Dalai Lama's words soothed my frayed nerves and felt like a glass of cool water after a scorcher. This book teaches you that happiness is a choice that we make and happiness comes from within.

Hobbies

Engage in activities that give you pleasure. In my case, I tried to read books, watch movies and listen to music. I took up writing during this period which was therapeutic. Even now, there are days when I don't feel upbeat about life. Then there are days when I actually feel very low. It is these days when my writing helps. I never knew that I write well. I discovered this post my divorce. It came to me when I was fumbling, deviated from a so-called 'normal life'. Remember the famous saying of Vincent Van Gogh: "Normality is a paved road; It's comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it."

The magic of Time

Lastly, believe in the healing power of time. Time can heal every wound. You just need to keep moving on with the flow of your life. Albert Einstein said: "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving."

I'd end this with a verse from Brahma Kumaris:

"When I have faith and belief, that darkness won't last long, I accept bad memories with the right spirit and attitude. With hope, I find the way. When faced with criticism, I am able to see clearly what new learning I could take."


This post titled How I Helped Myself Heal From Depression Caused Due To My Divorce has been published on Women’s Web as a Featured Post. Featured Posts are a careful selection of highly relevant and interesting posts picked by the editors of Women's Web each day. Here is the link to it: Click here.




© 2018. Swagata Tarafdar. All rights reserved.

Review: The Tree Bears Witness

The Tree Bears Witness by Sharath Komarraju
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I received a free review copy of this book, alongwith a letter from the Marketing department of Westland Publications Pvt. Ltd. mentioning to share the feedback. Though I was a bit late to finish reading the book, but sharing feedback is almost an obligation to me. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the book. What seemed like an impossible murder mystery in the beginning, came to a logical conclusion at the end. Set in the Mughal era, the famous courtier of Emperor Akbar, Birbal, fitted the missing pieces of the puzzle with sheer intellect. I am a huge admirer of Komarraju's writing and this book has only served to kindle that admiration further. Komarraju's writing style is lucid as usual. This novel has proved that he can be the Agatha Christie of India.

View all my reviews

You and Me

Tonight as the thunder-storm rattles the windows
And the raindrops splash against the glass-windows,
I can almost hear you whispering sweet-nothings into my ear.

Tonight as the thunder-storm makes the tree leaves swish
And the raindrops descend upon the parched earth,
I can almost smell your distinct male scent.

Tonight as the rain-clouds veil the moon
And the raindrops draw a curtain around me,
I can almost taste your nicotine-burnt lips in my tongue.

Because in nights like this,
You and I come dangerously closer.

Because everything comes in pairs in universe.
Pleasure and Pain.
Sun and Rain.
You and Me.
For without 'You', there won't have been any 'Me'.
Without you, none of my struggles would exist.
Without you, none of my depressions would exist.
'You' and 'Me' co-exist in two different worlds,
Light-years apart.
Nights like this bring you closer to me
From a world that exists beyond the curtain of rain.
And write our very own love-story.

For every love, there exists a story.
Even for the unrequited ones, too.


 


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